Hmm

I'm a little worried about myself right now. As of today, I've been dating the bf for 2 weeks. that's it. Two frikin weeks. it feels like forever!

I'm like...addicted to him, it's weird. I feel awful if I know I have to go a whole day without seeing him. It's like life suddenly doesn't have a purpose anymore. I have no inspiration to write or for my artwork...I just don't want to do anything. Just because i didn't get to see him. How dumb is that?

I mean...if i was head over heels in love with the guy and we'd been dating for a year then i would understand. Actually...maybe not even then. By then you'd be used to going a few days apart I bet...

But after two weeks? isn't that just...ridiculous?

And that begs another question...when is it alright to admit that you love someone?

Maybe when the idea of them being unhappy makes you unhappy...and you want to do nothing except make them happy again. Is is when the idea of something happening to them makes you want to burst into tears? Or the idea of them leaving you is enough to stop your heart for a few minutes? Or is it just when...you don't want to leave each other's side at all. because it seems impossible to be as happy without them as you are with them near. Even if you're not doing anything...

Am i falling in love? For sure. He makes it so easy...I dunno if I'm there yet...and when I know for sure, when is it alright to let him know that? neither of us even joke about it. "I love you dearly, but you're evil." type thing. It's like...we're scared to even mention it. The L word.

I'm in lesbians with you.

hehehe, kudos to anyone who got that. though i admit, i wasn't a fan of the movie myself...

Anyways, it's like...we're just trying to not think about a future. Normally with guys i start daydreaming about what kinds of things could happen...maybe him asking me on a trip or proposing...the honeymoon. never the wedding, that's work and I'm not looking forward to the stress of it all, lol. But with him? i don't. Ever. The biggest event possibly in my future with him is our trip to disney world next spring, lol. And that might just be a joke =P No...right now, the biggest thing I know is coming up is going to his house when they move into the new place. That's it.

I admit though...he's planning on moving out next spring. As am I. A teensy part of me is wondering...if we're still together, what if we moved in together?

Gah, I dunno!! All i know is that i won't be able to see him much at all this week or this weekend, and I'm super sad about it...

~Emmy

Oy...

I feel sorry for anyone who waits until they're married to have sex with someone. It hurts, and sort of ruins the rest of the experience o.O

Of course that may just be me...the bf was a virgin too, so there wasn't much fancy stuff going on or anything. I wish I'd waited a little longer...Monday Night i was super turned on and totally ready to go all the way, but i didn't... Last night though, not so much. We'd been making out for a while and were totally into it...and we did it. All the way. And it was just weird for me.

I was expecting the pain...but i was expecting it to be over pretty quick, you know? But no...it just hurt. The bf was fine, he didn't have to deal with it...at least i know it was good for one of us -.-

I dunno...after that we just stopped. I was feeling so bizarre and he was good...so we just went to sleep. It wouldn't have been so bad if it had at least been good for me too... but hell, I'm still wondering if there should be more fireworks when we kiss...

It worries me...everyone always talks about the fireworks and such. Am I just broken? i've never really had that happen to be before! Well once...the bf and I were playing/watching Mortal Combat and he swooped in and kissed me totally unexpectedly. My insides fluttered. But that was it. i'm honestly happiest when we're just curled up on the couch and I'm half asleep and he tightens his hold a little bit, as if I'm close enough for his liking.

THAT gives me fireflies in my stomach. He just looks at me like I'm the best thing to have ever happened to him...it's an incredible feeling. It just sucks that i don't quite seem to feel the same about him.

I mean...I like him for sure. A lot. And i'm soooo incredibly lucky to find a guy who's got looks, brains, and is almost as nerdy as I am. I KNOW that makes me lucky.

So why does a part of me feel like he's not good enough? I feel sooo awful even thinking that, but..i can't help it. I was hoping for a guy who wasn't skinnier than me, lol. I was hoping for fireworks...

Maybe it'll change. Get better with time. That's my hope anyway. At this point my only hope...

My brain has been circling all day...I let this guy have something i can never get back. And honestly, it doesn't bother me in the least. I'm not all that picky about sex...hell, it's fun and people do it. if anything, I'm glad it's over with. From now on, it'll be not painful and more fun. What bothers me...is if this guys doesn't give me the fireworks, should I keep trying? Is it fair for me to not be as happy as he seems to be? I'm too nice, I'm not gonna leave him or anything...and i do hope that it'll get better. But a part of me wonders if i'm being stupid hoping for something that won't work out...

I'm more excited about having him when my friends are. they keep telling me that he sounds amazing and that he's really handsome and such...and when they do, I'm easily the very proud and lucky feeling girlfriend. And then i'll do something like walk into a room and he'll notice me and I feel all warm and fuzzy. i just don't feel it when I'm not with him or talking about him.

Gah, I dunno....I just don't. I'm just gonna go be cranky and sore some more...people should be here soon anyways. Distractions would be wonderful right now.
~Emmy

Love

I'm not in it. I'm not worried or anything...frankly I think I'd be a little worried if I was, lol. I've known this guy for a week. Not even.

Never the less...I definitely LIKE this guy. A lot! Like...a lot lot LOT. I'm almost a little nervous about just how much...

I'm at the point where I wanna be with him all the time. Today is the first day we haven't seen each other even once. And it feels almost wrong o.O I want him to spend the night at my place...not so we can do anything, but just so that he doesn't have to be elsewhere.

Is that normal? Does it happen that fast for other people? I don't know...someone compared it to a Disney romance today. And I'm not sure if that's a good thing...but it just feels so wonderful.

I'm nervous about what'll happen. One week of amazingness doesn't mean it will stay that amazing. What if we get bored of each other? We're so similar... What happens when we do sleep together? The realist in me knows it'll likely happen, lol. Having never had sex myself before, i'm super nervous i'll make a fool of myself -.- Of course he hasn't either, I guess that's a good thing? It's so weird...never thought I'd be the one with the experience in a relationship...I may not have gone all the way...but i've lost my clothes before with a guy. I've watched porn, masterbated, sexting, roleplaying sex scenes. I know what turns me on. I dunno if this guy will know what to do. Sort of sad in a pathetic way. I was hoping to lose my virginity to someone who knew what he was doing, you know?

I guess we'll find out. In theory...what if we don't even get that far?

Never having been in a relationship, I've never really...fought before. i don't get into fights. Except with my brother. And in that case, we'll snap and yell at each other, avoid each other for a little while, and then sort of pretend nothing ever happened. We don't need toe words sometimes, we just learn and move on. Would that be how it works with this guy too?

I don't even know what we would fight about...I dunno yet about him, but I'm not a fighter. I hate fighting, I'm not really competitive...gah, I dunno!

It's so weird...I don't want to think about the future at all at this point. I don't want to think about a possible break up. I don't want to think about it working out and us getting married someday or something.

So i won't. I won't think about it. For now, the furthest ahead I'm thinking is what we'll be doing this week. And maybe Skiing this winter and a roadtrip to Disney World next spring. I dunno, we'll see.

Still...I know I'm not in love yet. For me...you know you're in love when the thought of not being with a person is devastating. I'm not there yet. i've known the guy a week. If it ended tomorrow, i would be sad I guess...dunno if I'd even cry honestly. I'm a little to able to cope with loss in that way... So no, I'm not in love.

But I have a feeling that I may end up loving this guy eventually. And that scares me to bits.
~Emmy

Confessions...

I admit, that fun as it is to just be mean on here, I love knowing that I can come here and complain or gush about anything without fear of annoying anyone! I don't have any followers anyway, and if I get them, then they're just gonna have to deal with this stuff =P

Today though, I don't wanna rant or vent or anything...at least not in a bad way. Because something wonderful is happening! For the first time ever, I'm not going to complain about guys never taking an interest in me...because I think someone has!

Some of you may think it's odd to be this excited about a not-even-a-date. But I am almost 23 years old...and quite frankly, I've been single for most of that time. I had a 'boyfriend' for about three months...but it was an online thing and he was in the army so we couldn't talk at all...and I honestly don't even count it, since I never saw the guy in person -.-

I have been on a date though! A few actually, the summer two years ago, lol. That's honestly it, so sue me =P

Now I'm gonna tell the whole story here...I haven't told it to anyone else yet, I don't wanna make a big deal out of this. Every time I do and people get excited for me, things go wrong...so I'm keeping my mouth shut. Still, I feel the need to just blurt everything out to someone, even my brother has been a victim of pointless details! So I figure I'll just tell it all here and no one will know and I'll feel better, lol.

Alright so I have Cultural Communications on Mondays, and I was running a bit late. Rather silly since it doesn't start until 1:40, but I am a well practiced procrastinator. Especially when it comes to waking up in the morning. So between me waking up late, traffic, missing the first bus and walking across campus, I was about ten or fifteen minutes late. I'm NEVER that late, it was awful! Especially since we had a guest speaker that day >.> So I get there and the lights are dimmed and I basically have to tiptoe past the speaker. My usual seat in the front row on the left was taken, likely by another late student. So I kept going back the row, taking a seat behind some guy.

The presentation was a blast, we talked about media's effect on how we think, and so we talked about Disney and Comics and such, it was wonderfully nerdy XD And the guy in front of me kept seeming to notice my little comments...like how I could name all the x-men in the picture, and called Superman Calel and such...Finally, the teach mentioned a new thing at taco bell with a taco shell made of doritoes! I was laughing with everyone else and said "Really? That's awesome!"

And he turned around. Suddenly little comments and such were going back and forth between us, like how Batman was so much cooler than Superman and such...then during break we talked more. And then we got our movie assignments for a project, and we talked more. And then at the end of class, he gave me his number.

Let me just take a moment to squeal about that again...that is the first time I've gotten a guys's number and had him say 'you should call me sometime.' It was beautiful!

I texted him instead, just so he'd get my number since I had another class. And that turned into more talking, which went on until 2am. We talked about all sorts of random stuff! Including a bunch of promises that basically imply that we're going to be a part of each other's loves for a while. He's gonna make me go skiing, I'm gonna make him watch firefly, stuff like that...he'll make the dinner while I make the dessert...I've promised to take him to Florida next summer, lol.

So anyway, in History of Broadway, that second class, we set up a 'Date" for Wednesday. I'm hesitant to call it a date, though everything seems to say that it is one. We're gonna hang out all afternoon then go to a movie...seems legit, right?

At the same time, we found out that we're both out of class by 4:30 and I have class next at 5:50, so he offered to hang out with me while I waited.

I spent all day getting more and more nervous. Part of it is that it's right before my infusion, so my insides hate me. Feels like having butterflies constantly. So when I get real butterflies it's near torture, lol. Anyways today went all wonky. My car was dead, so Mommy had to drive me to Chem and pick me up after Chem lab...then he skipped class early, so I drove back around 3:30... We played pool for a while at the student center which was fun, and rather flirty, I admit. Then he drove me to a burger place where he bought me dinner. Dinner which we hardly ate since we were so busy talking and my stomach felt like a beehive between nerves and almost-infusion-ness >.>

Then he drove me back to class...and my goodness it was wonderful! I've never connected with a guy so fast before! It's not super new like with Bob, or a best friend first thing like with Victor. It's not an online flirtation like Nick, or super awkward but 'I don't have any other options, so I'll give it a chance' like with Cory. No...it was just natural. And wonderful and awesome!

Found out we have an almost frightening amount of stuff in common, including interests and ideals and music taste, and lack of previous boy/girlfriends...only thing really different is that he's a lot more active and outdoorsy, while I'm super artsy. But I can make nerdy references and know he'll understand them! Mostly =P And we can talk for hours about everything from social fun drinking but not getting drunk, to how dumb drugs are but how good hookah is...to future plans to video games to silly adventures and friends and cars...gah! So much!

So yes. It has been wonderful so far, and I feel like I've known this guy for ages rather than two days, lol. Holy shit, two days? Really? Only two? I honestly cannot believe it o.O

Anyways, tomorrow is still giving me super butterflies. No, Batman butterflies -.- Harsh and almost painful. I have to admit, I really do like this guy. I'm not gonna say crush yet, but there is some definite potential here! I'm hesitant to even wonder aloud if it'll go anywhere, I don't want to ruin things. So for now, I'm just going to admit the straight out facts. We're gonna hang out and see a movie and smoke some hookah. As feriends with a possible more in store. We'll just wait and see.

~Emmy

School

I love it and hate it. Seriously, both at the same time, it's weird.

I love learning. I love attending interesting lectures and learning how the world works, history is easily my favorite as long as it's being taught by a good teacher.

But the things I hate about school? Sadly the list is longer. I hate boring classes we're required to take. I hate bad teachers which make awesome subjects the most boring thing in the world. Mostly I hate the homework. I know it helps me to learn stuff better (or so they say), but I have knowing that after I sit in class for three and a half hours, I'm going to have to go home and read more and write some papers and solve problems... And it's expected that I spend three hours of work for every credit a class is worth. Average classes are worth 3, science classes 4. Which means that each class is supposed to have nine to twelve hours of homework a week! That's ridiculous! Add that to the fact that I'm taking five classes? And none of that included the lectures or time it takes to drive to school... Good gracious, it's a wonder I have free time! And I don't even have a job yet! I know I need one, but quite frankly, I don't want to give up the little free time I do have.

Because let's face it, for me free time doesn't exist. I'm an avid writer, and I'm always drawing something or other...and I manage a lot of stuff. Mostly groups on deviantArt and an RPG forum or two...but the fact is, I come home from school or finish homework, only to work even more. At least with this other stuff I'm volunteering to do it.

Though I admit, running groups can be pretty taxing on DA. I have to be pretty on top of things, running various activities like contests and prompts and such... I need to cut things off at deadlines, constantly post reminders so people actually participate, organize and count votes, sort artwork... I do a LOT of work for each group I run, and I run a lot of them.

And sad thing is, no one notices! I think that twice in my time as a group admin, people have told me that I do a good job. TWICE. The first time, someone said that they really appreciated how much work I put into it, and how friendly and patient I was with them. The second time they just said they're really impressed, since I run so many groups and do such a good job with all of them. That's how sad it is, I even remember what they said -.-

Call me crazy, but I like being told that I've done a good job every once in a while, you know? I like it when people notice my hard work, it's nice to know it isn't going all to waste. Heck, I got excited when a friend told me that the bathroom looked good after I cleaned it, lol.

On that note, I hate that there are so many amazing artists on DA who simply don't seem to appreciate their watchers as much as me -.- i know one who had 31,000 something people watching her...I'm excited with 400! I don't know...I just feel like they get used to being famous and well liked and all that stuff. I kinda wish they were newbies and had to build up their fanbase all over again. Maybe I'd get some attention that way ^^;

Nah, I'm not that selfish. I can't imagine having 30,000 people watching for new artwork from me...the pressure to create stuff they'll all like would be insane! I don't feel that pressure with 400, cuz I know they're all watching me for different reasons. But that many would be overwhelming. not to mention you'd never be able to keep up with messages! I sometimes put off thanking people for favorites, but even though I sometimes have over 100 of them, I'll still thank them all. With a huge number, I think I'd have to give up -.- Still, you'd think they'd be able to reply to more comments...though when they get five or more pages of the same thing, I can see why they don't bother replying.

If you can't tell, I have one artist in mind while talking about all this. She's amazing, for sure! But still, she's so...predictable? And the moment she's into something, it's like there's a flood of fans all of a sudden! I was fine when she was obsessing over James and Lily, they're not so much my thing. But then it was Doctor Who, and right now the Weasley Twins. The Twins are MY thing, they have been for ages! I feel like she's taking over my territory, and she doesn't even know I exist! And oh man, I doodles a sketch piece for a prize a while back, and recently, she did almost the exact same thing in her own style! So yeah, it was better than mine, but it was still almost a blatant rip off! And I KNOW that it was, because she favorited that piece! It was months ago, so she probably forgot where she got the idea...but the fact remains that it was my idea, and I can't really call her out on it -.-

I'm too nice for my own good >.<

Oh right, this posted started off talking about school? Well this is just a little hint of how my brain works. ALL over the place, lol. If it bothers you, oh well. I can't change the way my brain works =P

~Emmy

Grr...

Two posts in one day. Strange I know. Even stranger, I literally posted that last one about 40 seconds ago and yet here I am again.

Today I fell in love, got jealous, and had my heart broken all in the course of a few hours.

Alright, not quite that dramatic. But very miniscule versions of the feelings did occur.

I joined a new RP forum simple because I've been missing it so much lately. A Harry Potter based one. Now, anyone who knows me, which none of you do, would know that I'm kind of sort of obsessed with George Weasley. That was the bait my friend used to get me to join in the first place, lol. So I find out that George Weasley on this RP site is played by a guy about a year or two older than me, in law school...and I thought "you know what, this guy could be pretty cool!" After all, any male my age willing to roleplay at all, let alone on an HP forum, let alone my favorite character, has to be a pretty cool dude.

So I added him on msn, sent friend requests, ect... and the other girls from the site seemed to already be interested in setting us up! To the point that they asked me a bunch of questions and such about what I look like and stuff. So yeah, I was getting my hopes up a little bit. Too much, but what can I say, I crush easily -.-

Turns out the guy has a girlfriend, though he is interested in an RP with my character and his George. So things should go well as far as the characters go, just not with us.

It's just so weird...I mean I didn't - and still don't - even know this guy! I had a crush on him without even talking to him or knowing what he looks like! I was so intent on who I thought he was that I seriously had dreams about the situation.

So now I'm just kind of bummed. I know it's dumb to be upset over someone I don't even know. But it happened, and I am. It's so annoying, I hate feeling this way!

This is the reason I'm single. I crush so easily and then get turned down enough that I don't want to try. And usually the guy isn't even aware that it's happened. Of course, it helps that the only guys I talk to are online, so they don't know much about what I'm doing anyways. I don't know any guys in real life that I'd crush on. Not really anyways.

I know OF guys I might like to date. One in particular was in one of my classes last semester. He was a redhead and hot, so I mentally called him George before I learned what his real name was. Even now, I call him George when I talk about him online.

God, I am SO pathetic, no wonder I'm single...

~Emmy

The Bitch Corner

That's what've decided shall be the secondary name for this blog. It makes sense too, but I must explain it in such a way that'll mean it makes sense to everyone, and not just in my brain.

You see, I am a nice person. And I don't mean that I smile and nod and am polite and such. I mean I am a very nice person. As in...I don't really know how to be mean to anyone. Seriously, I don't! Well, my brother perhaps. But I've known him forever and we know when we mean it when we say mean stuff and when we don't and just need to cool off. But aside form him? I honestly have a hard time even hinting to people that I'm upset with them for any reason.

This is both a good thing, and a very bad thing. On the good side of the argument, my friends always know they can trust me, and they like me, and stuff like that. I'm fun to hang out with, and I'm dependable and such.

On the other hand, it means that I'm hiding every negative feeling I get. And it all tends to build up inside of me until I'm ready to explode at the world. At which point I lock myself in my room and refuse to speak to people for a week, and they wonder why.

Because apparently, either I'm VERY good at hiding my emotions, or people are even less observant than I give them credit for. You'd think people would notice that when I'm happy, I'm chatting and taking part in the conversation. So when I go quiet, there's likely something wrong. But do people notice? Nope.

So yeah, that's my life. Spent hidden away from the world, with people - even my friends - never knowing the truth of who I am.

How depressing is that? -.-

So for this reason, this blog will be a place to vent when I need to. I can't do it in any of my other online homes, because I've got too many close friends in too many places. Both real life and online ones. If I rant about something, it'll have to be here, because it's the only location with no connections to any of my other online accounts.

So yeah, that's why my nickname for this place will be Bitch Corner. Because this is the one time I will allow myself to let the bitchy thoughts that I secretly have out in the open. Even if I don't have anyone following me, it's nice to know that it's public, you know?

~Emmy

I believe an introduction is in order...

Hello non-existant readers! I don't have any yet, and quite frankly don't really expect to any time soon. If ever. So to everyone not reading this, here's a little bit of information about myself.

My name is Emmy, I'm 22 years of age and am all set up for a career in archaeology. Well...I've almost graduated anyway, not that that really says much for my career. Let's just say there's a reason I'll be heading to grad school next year.

I live in a teeny apartment above a store in the busy downtown area of my city. I live with my brother too...something most people would shudder at, but I actually appreciate. We just understand each other well enough that we coexist very nicely, and it means I don't have to live all alone!

Personality wise...I'm half loner, half social butterfly. I love having a ton of people that I know, and I love having a bunch of close friends. But I reeeeally appreciate my alone time. As a result, many of my friends are online, but I'm alright with that :)

At the moment, a friend from Spain is visiting, Marco. And tomorrow we're heading to the museum for an exhibit on pirates, so I'm excited. Bugger, need to remember to look up directions...

I suppose I could go into my friends a little more...but maybe tomorrow. I'll be heading to bed for now, early as it feels right now. Farewell for now!

~Emmy

P.S. I know my profile picture is Emmy Rossum. No I am not her, but she has my name and I wish I could have her hair, so I figure why not?