Oy...

I feel sorry for anyone who waits until they're married to have sex with someone. It hurts, and sort of ruins the rest of the experience o.O

Of course that may just be me...the bf was a virgin too, so there wasn't much fancy stuff going on or anything. I wish I'd waited a little longer...Monday Night i was super turned on and totally ready to go all the way, but i didn't... Last night though, not so much. We'd been making out for a while and were totally into it...and we did it. All the way. And it was just weird for me.

I was expecting the pain...but i was expecting it to be over pretty quick, you know? But no...it just hurt. The bf was fine, he didn't have to deal with it...at least i know it was good for one of us -.-

I dunno...after that we just stopped. I was feeling so bizarre and he was good...so we just went to sleep. It wouldn't have been so bad if it had at least been good for me too... but hell, I'm still wondering if there should be more fireworks when we kiss...

It worries me...everyone always talks about the fireworks and such. Am I just broken? i've never really had that happen to be before! Well once...the bf and I were playing/watching Mortal Combat and he swooped in and kissed me totally unexpectedly. My insides fluttered. But that was it. i'm honestly happiest when we're just curled up on the couch and I'm half asleep and he tightens his hold a little bit, as if I'm close enough for his liking.

THAT gives me fireflies in my stomach. He just looks at me like I'm the best thing to have ever happened to him...it's an incredible feeling. It just sucks that i don't quite seem to feel the same about him.

I mean...I like him for sure. A lot. And i'm soooo incredibly lucky to find a guy who's got looks, brains, and is almost as nerdy as I am. I KNOW that makes me lucky.

So why does a part of me feel like he's not good enough? I feel sooo awful even thinking that, but..i can't help it. I was hoping for a guy who wasn't skinnier than me, lol. I was hoping for fireworks...

Maybe it'll change. Get better with time. That's my hope anyway. At this point my only hope...

My brain has been circling all day...I let this guy have something i can never get back. And honestly, it doesn't bother me in the least. I'm not all that picky about sex...hell, it's fun and people do it. if anything, I'm glad it's over with. From now on, it'll be not painful and more fun. What bothers me...is if this guys doesn't give me the fireworks, should I keep trying? Is it fair for me to not be as happy as he seems to be? I'm too nice, I'm not gonna leave him or anything...and i do hope that it'll get better. But a part of me wonders if i'm being stupid hoping for something that won't work out...

I'm more excited about having him when my friends are. they keep telling me that he sounds amazing and that he's really handsome and such...and when they do, I'm easily the very proud and lucky feeling girlfriend. And then i'll do something like walk into a room and he'll notice me and I feel all warm and fuzzy. i just don't feel it when I'm not with him or talking about him.

Gah, I dunno....I just don't. I'm just gonna go be cranky and sore some more...people should be here soon anyways. Distractions would be wonderful right now.
~Emmy